So I've done it. Successfully drawn something every day for two months. This doodle here is number 60! Yeah, I wish it was a little more than a doodle/practice page too but it's what I was feeling. The boy and I were watching Bill Maher and I was just spaced out listening to him most of the time.
However, every time I tried to concentrate on what I was drawing, there's an eyeball. So I learned something about myself here on the final day of February; whenever I snap into consciousness while doodling, I draw a freakin eyeball. So weird. And even weirder is that I know that I'm not alone. A friend of mine does the same exact thing. We discovered this recently when she noticed one of my doodle pages.
So, surely I've learned something else in the last two months. I mean, that is the whole point of this "exercise" isn't it? Well I have, the trick is putting it all into words.
First of all I have learned how much I really do want to write again but on top of that I have learned that this is the area I am hardest on myself. I have been so out of practice for the last 3ish years, with the exception of journal jotting. I am terrified of writing too much and being boring and not writing enough to keep people reading. I know that I have the tendency to try and write with words I don't use in every day life which really bothers me. I have a preference for writing that's more like a conversation. I need to work on this, big time. I also need to learn more about commas. Mom is a comma freak and every time I put one down I think of her editing it in her mind. I know, weird right?
Okay, what else have I learned. That I CAN improve. That just because you aren't born with that innate ability to do something (like draw), doesn't mean you can't improve and become just as good as the people who are. I do see improvement every day and not just in ability but in my thought processes. I can tell my mind is opening up to different ideas and believe it or not, I feel my memory getting stronger. I really have no idea if that has anything to do with my growing phase here but I do know that it's awfully coincidental if it's not.
I also feel a strong awareness of my surroundings. I see signs (or strong coincidences) every single day. Out of nowhere, I'll think of a song I haven't heard in years and then all of the sudden it's on a tv show or someone else starts talking about it. I've found themes in these "signs" like honesty and personal growth. I have a sneaking suspicion that I am just noticing the things I really want to see but it does seem rather uncanny a lot of the time. I believe the biggest lesson I've learned from this experience, and one that I really needed to learn, is that I am not in the slightest bit, alone. This is ridiculously comforting.
I still have a lot of fear. Fear of non-completion. Fear that one day, maybe three months from now, I'll say "Nah, I don't want to do this anymore." That is the main point of this exercise after all. That I start and follow through to the end with a project. This has been an on going battle with myself for as long as I can remember.
Keep your fingers crossed!
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