Originally uploaded by Ry

I've come to a fork in the road and as life would have it, it's not the greatest mental day for this to happen. I am in the middle of a huge decision here.  To you it may seem trivial and maybe even obvious, but it really couldn't be anymore difficult for me. 

 You may have gathered by now (as it's kinda the point of my being here) that I'm struggling with that age old question "what do I want to be when I grow up?" and a struggle indeed.  All that's ever been clear is that I want to do whatever it is, for me.

I don't like working for other people. I know, who does?  What I mean to say is, I'm tired of helping and watching other people's work come to life while I end up in the "special thanks" list that no one reads except to find their own name.  I'm supposed to be writing that list.

But Ry, can't you work and concentrate on what you want to do at the same time? I suppose I could but I've tried and my brain just doesn't function that way.  It never has.  I'm a tangent girl.  If I'm on to something, that's all there is in my little universe and I have a helluva time trying to concentrate on anything else.  I just don't balance  well.

Yes, as I mentioned before, I am a multitasker, but with tasks within tasks.  If I'm home all the time, taking a walk while writing a blog and taking photos makes perfect sense, but ask me to work two gigs and I'm lost.  My theater job can be so mentally/physically exhausting that I completely lose touch with everything else.  If you were reading here around May, then you saw it happen.  Go ahead, check out the post count for May over there.  

So what's the fork in the road?  Well, something I won't mention got me really riled up this morning so I started writing this really great post. I mean, I was super excited about it. Strong emotions tend to get the writing blood boiling. Then suddenly out of nowhere, the post was just gone. Poof, vanished with no explanation and just as I was about to smash the keyboard with my forehead and ready to just give up,  I looked down at my cellphone where there was a text offering me a theater job. 

What the hell is that supposed to mean universe?

Why all the sudden with the questions and decisions to be made?  Why do I think there's even a decision to be made?  Didn't I already decide that I'm taking off of work for awhile to follow this little dream of mine? Am I supposed to struggle with my money or my sanity? Someone ANSWER ME! 

After about 2 hours of quiet reflection and wanting to talk to someone who would show me the way, I finally realized it's up to me.  I have to decide.  I have to decide what is more important and a friend or the "universe" aren't going to decide for me.  My brain wants someone to step in and say "No! Don't you dare give up on your dreams of writing and working for yourself!" but no one is going to say that to me.  And the universe? Please, nothing is going to come falling on my head telling me which way to turn.

I have had a number of good ideas in the last two hours.  Some that might help me keep writing and keep me out of the 'making others dreams come true' department, and then there's  "Screw it, just take the damn job and get it over with. Stop all this nonsense and pay your bills." 

The fact of the matter is, I'm acutely aware of what a big deal this decision is.  I know, sounds so dramatic, but you're talking to a girl who just figured out that she's the only one who can decide and nobody else knows any better than she does. 

I still wouldn't mind some advice...or a hug.