Results tagged “goals”

Today I got word that my job will probably not be needing me for the first show of the season, the one I was counting on to pay the rent. My immediate response was total relief, followed by surprise since my normal reaction would be total panic.

You hear a lot about people who quit jobs to persue their life's dream. I have it pretty good. I get a long break between shows so there's no reason to quit just yet, unless you include my lack of enthusiasm, and the 18 hour days for 3 weeks straight that keep me from doing the things I love. Then I start to fall slowly into a steaming pile of guilt. Then I get grumpy and no one likes to work with a grump. Nevermind the confidence I need to muster in order to make a decsion like that.

So here lies the pickle. Do I take it as some kind of sign that I should keep plugging away here on the blog and consider the extra couple of months as a blessing? Do I panic and find other work? Should I beg the fella to find some high paying gig and take care of little ol' me?

That last one was funny.

When am I being too hopeful? When do I need to be "realistic"? Maybe I am being realistic! Maybe I am supposed to take a longer break. Maybe I'm just over thinking the entire thing.  Maybe I'm just telling myself what I want to hear.

I think the most important thing I have to keep in mind is how I reacted. Why is it that instead of total shock and disappointment, I felt more like I was freed from impending doom?

All I'm certain of is the happiness with what I'm doing right now. That's the point, isn't it? To really love what you do because we are what we do, right? Or did someone extremely wealthy coin that phrase?

I love being home. I love making my own schedule. I love my coffee, my desk, my books, my drawing. I love the struggle.

I do. I love to struggle. Not financially, but with my work. I need to work hard or I feel completely useless. All my young adult life, when I was being prepped for the real world, the number one thing I was told over and over is to be ready to work from the bottom. This excites me. I enjoy working for a higher goal. The difference now is that it's mine , not someone else's. As previously discussed, this is the hard part.

So what I have learned? I want to be my boss. Now if only my boss would tell me what to do next.

I have something to confess. This is what I want to do. 

It's hard to admit that.  Especially in a world where just about anyone can write a blog and be noticed. So what makes me so special?

I'm not a mommy blogger, nor do I ever intend to be. I'm not a total tech geek, though sometimes I wish I was, and I'm not selling anything fancy, not yet at least. 

In fact, this has sort of been my problem all along.  I'm not one of those lucky people who was born with a particular passion in life. I mean sure, I want to write, but what about?  I'm more of a passionate dabbler. I find that I actually learn the most from other people's obsessions.

When I meet someone so into with what they do, I can't help but latch on to the energy.  Their love makes me want to know more.  And it's all about meeting them. I can't just read it in a book, see it online or hanging on a wall.  I need to feel the emotion up close, hear the excitement in their voice.

For example, recently I was invited to an art opening over in the village.  It was a small gallery and as I suspected,  mostly filled with art that made me think "Really?  Can't my cat do that?" In fact, I was with Gypsy at the time and I do believe his direct quote was, "Is that a cat toy?"

So we're joking around under our breath when suddenly we were introduced to one of the artists.  This was his first exhibit in New York and he was so excited.  I mean beaming!  His attitude completely turned me around and on to his work.  I even told him that if I had the (ridiculous) $5,000, I would buy his installment.

You know what? I totally meant it.  I would have bought it not because I thought it was this remarkable piece of work, but because of the impression he left on me.  His attitude stands out in a world where most ooze a sense of entitlement. In my mind, this is the mark of true passion.

So where does this leave me?  Well after some deep thought it has become clear that I am passionate about finding my passion.  I may not know exactly what it is yet but I do know that I want to find it.  So this is my goal.

I guess that's been the idea behind this whole life changing experience in the first place.  It just took me this long to really start piecing it together.

Here's to one more step forward.

So, what's your passion?

I took the photo above at Prospect Park in Brooklyn.  In this post it represents a moment of reflection because I am profound like that.